Finding Calm in Chaos: A Reflection on Behavior and Learning

This week’s blog almost didn’t happen. How could it? At every turn, I’ve been interrupted. I sit down to write a sentence, and someone appears with a math book in hand, needing help. I grab my coffee, ready for a meeting, only to hear a student declare an ultimatum: “Either give me the calculator, or I’m not doing it.”

How does one get their creative juices flowing in this environment?

Nonetheless, I get them settled, motivated, and clear on their tasks—thinking I’ll finally have a moment to focus. I open my slides for an upcoming workshop, and moments later, the internet went out, and then, a shouting match erupts in the next room—over a pencil.

Eventually, I steal a quiet hour to focus on a project for work. When I peek out, I’m greeted by evidence of an afternoon that somehow feels more chaotic than productive.

Evening creeps closer, and I sigh. Another day of not getting where I wanted to get.

This wasn’t the blog I planned to write today. But here I am, and I know exactly what these moments are telling me.

When chaos invades my space like this, it’s not really about the interruptions or the mess. It’s about something deeper: unmet needs, misaligned expectations, or missing skills.

I wasn’t specific about whether these “students” I mention above were in a classroom or 11 year old twins at home- because these interruptions and behaviors just happen- anywhere, as a parent or an educator.  They are a part of life.  Take the student who refused to do math without a calculator. It wasn’t about the student being “autistic”.  It was about frustration—possibly with the difficulty of the task or a lack of confidence in solving it without support. Instead of focusing on the “bad behavior,” Greene would suggest empathy: finding out what’s getting in the way and collaborating with the student to solve the problem together.  My first job would be to simply, talk to the student about it.

It’s not the noise or the distractions that are the real problem—it’s the need to pause, reflect, and empathize around what’s driving these moments. This mindset shift isn’t new to me. It’s something I’ve practiced over time, inspired by the principles of Ross Greene’s Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) model.

Behavior is Communication

Greene’s CPS model fundamentally changed how I view challenging behaviors, whether at home or in the classroom. His guiding principle, “Kids do well if they can,” is a reminder that struggles often come from unsolved problems or lagging skills—not defiance or bad attitudes.

Take the student who refused to do math without a calculator. It wasn’t about being stubborn. It was about frustration—possibly with the difficulty of the task or a lack of confidence in solving it without support. Greene’s approach would suggest starting with empathy: understanding what’s getting in the way and collaborating with the student to solve the problem together.

This same philosophy applies across all learning environments. The shouting match over a pencil wasn’t really about the pencil, as she later shared with me.  It was about her brother taking a pencil, and her feeling overwhelmed by earlier challenges that spiraled into frustration. When I stopped to listen, I realized the morning’s internet outage had thrown her off track. Instead of working on her favorite online math program as we had planned, she was stuck with her workbook—a boring change she wasn’t prepared to handle.  

Over time, I can help her build a foundation for herself when times are tough and unexpected.  When the internet came back, I turned on her math program, and her mood shifted immediately. She was able to tackle math when her expectations aligned, she felt understood, and the work was just right for her.  

This small moment reflects what Greene advocates: collaboration. Instead of imposing solutions or trying to manage behavior through force or rewards, the goal is to involve the student in solving the problem.

What’s Getting In Their Way?

In education, it’s easy to fall into the trap of labeling behavior and jumping to conclusions. Diagnoses and strategies often feel like the fastest way to address a problem, but Greene’s approach challenges us to dig deeper.

Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with this student?” CPS reframes the question: “What’s getting in their way?”

For educators, this means stepping away from quick fixes and cookie-cutter strategies. It means recognizing that no single curriculum, diagnostic label, or intervention works universally. Students need individualized solutions that address their specific needs—and they need to be part of the process.

Take the time to collaborate with the student. Ask questions like:

• What’s going on?
• What’s making this hard for you?
• What might help make it easier?

This approach not only addresses the current issue but also equips students with problem-solving skills they can carry forward.  It helps the parents, and looking at the bigger picture, it can help create a community of learners who know how to communicate and problem-solve better.

Practical Takeaways for Educators

Using Greene’s CPS model in the classroom doesn’t require overhauling your teaching methods. It’s about shifting how you think about behavior and challenges. Here are a few practical steps:

1. Empathize First
   When a student struggles, start by listening. Instead of assuming, ask open-ended questions to understand their perspective. This builds trust and helps uncover the real issue.
2. Collaborate, Don’t Solve it For Them
   Work with the student to brainstorm solutions. Whether it’s adjusting a schedule, using a different tool, or breaking tasks into smaller steps, let them take part in the process.
3. Focus on Skills, Not Punishment
   Many challenging behaviors stem from lagging skills, such as flexibility, frustration tolerance, or executive functioning. By identifying and addressing these gaps, you’re helping students build lasting strategies for success.

From Chaos to Clarity

The amazing thing about stepping away from chaos is the clarity it brings. When I take a moment to pause, even when it seems counterintuitive, I’m better able to show up for my students and family in meaningful ways. I can listen to their frustrations, guide them through challenges, and help them discover strategies that work for them.

This process takes time, and it’s not always easy. But it’s worth it when you start seeing the change in them. When students are empowered to understand their own needs and collaborate on solutions, they’re not just learning—they’re growing.

As educators and parents, we have the opportunity to model this mindset in our classrooms and at home, showing students that behavior isn’t about right or wrong, but about solving problems together. By shifting our focus from labels to collaboration, we create spaces where students feel understood, supported, and capable of doing well—because they can.

Collaborating for Growth

The more often I practice stepping away, the better I get at it. I recover faster from the events that push me toward anxiety or chaos. And when I model this process for my kids, they learn to do it too.  They get better at it each time.

This is the heart of Greene’s approach: collaboration. It’s not about forcing compliance but working together to solve problems. When I sit down with my children to understand what’s hard for them, we’re not just solving today’s crisis—we’re building skills for tomorrow.

Whether you’re parenting at home or teaching in a classroom, the key is helping children find their own tools, just as we find ours. Through trial and error, empathy, and practice, we can guide them to self-regulation and confidence.

The amazing thing is, this process transforms us too. We’re calmer, more focused, and better equipped to handle the challenges that come our way.

So the next time chaos takes over, remember: it’s not a sign of failure or a diagnosis. It’s an opportunity to slow down, pause, reflect, and be solutions-oriented—and jump back into learning wholeheartedly.